Forgiveness is such an incredible thing, but I believe the meaning behind forgiveness is truly misunderstood. My perception of what it is, and what it is for, has completely changed now, and this new understanding has given me so much freedom, that I feel compelled to share my view on it.
Up until 2019, I have always held on to pain and anger. As a child, I was told all of the things my dad did to my mum when I was growing up, and I witnessed things that were so traumatic, and so awful, that I would never EVER forgive the people that did them. After all, forgiveness means letting go right? Why would I ever let violence and abuse go. Why would I ever forgive the pain these people caused my family?
The ‘why’, is so crystal clear to me now and I sincerely hope I can articulate it as well as I understood it.
For most of the awful things I witnessed as a child, or was repeatedly told about, I have then gone on to experience in my adult life. I have experienced relationships that have allowed me to suffer the same fate as my mum. I have sought out partners who have cheated and let me down. This is because of my subconscious programming and how the mind will seek out similar experiences to those witnessed when growing up. Understanding this was a catalyst to my healing too and allowed me to alter my programming. I will do a vlog separate on this in future, as there is simply too much to talk about.
In one of my relationships, I encountered what I felt to be the ultimate betrayal. I won’t go into it with too much detail, but it was so gut wrenchingly sad, and just confirmed to me all of my deep rooted beliefs; that I was unlovable, I was never enough, and I was always going to be let down. I analysed the situation so much. I kept thinking of what I could have done differently to have prevented it from happening. If only I was prettier, if only I was more sexually attractive, if only I was enough for him; if only.
The constant scrutiny I put myself under, was a direct result of my self-esteem and worth. I blamed myself. I always believed it was a problem within me and if I was enough for him then it never would have happened. I could never leave the relationship because I was so desperate for him to change so that I could prove to myself that I was worthy. If he changes then I must be more worthy right? If I can make him change, it must mean I am good enough.
I would continuously try to explain why I felt so low, and why I needed him to change, but every time I tried to get it across, it was always met with, ‘I’m sick of hearing this, I’ve heard it all before, you need to get over it’ and I would just want to scream and shout ‘WELL WHY THE FUCK HASN’T IT GONE IN THEN. I’M REPEATING MYSELF BECAUSE IT GOES IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE BASTARD OTHER. I AM REPEATING MYSELF BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL FUCKING HURTING ME’.
After a long continuous battle of constant let downs, constant arguments, repeated behaviours and zero changes, I finally realised that nothing I would be able to say or do was going to provoke a change; but I just knew I had to do something. I literally couldn’t watch TV or concentrate, because my mind would always wonder back to what he did to me. He would laugh at something on a programme and I wouldn’t react at all, because I may have been looking at the TV but I wasn’t watching it; I was never fully present. I was living in a nightmare within my own mind. I would replay what I imagined the scene to look like in my head and consistently remind myself of all the bad things he did. Sometimes I would physically shake my head to try and get the thoughts to leave my mind. It literally took over my life and I just constantly kept thinking to myself, ‘how can you continue to do this to me? What did I do to deserve it. What have I done so wrong?’.
I felt like I needed someone to help me as no matter how much I told myself I’d forgive and forget, I literally never could, and every single time I drank I would bring it all up again. It would literally erupt like a volcano. This wasn’t a one off either, it consistently happened, which became quite soul destroying for me. I felt like I was an embarrassment, just stuck with the same story on repeat that I just couldn’t get over, that everyone was tired of hearing. At this stage, I wasn’t strong enough to leave and frankly I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to forgive and move on somehow, and so I sought out some external help. I came across a Life Coach randomly on Instagram, and he offered me a free session. During the session he asked me what forgiveness meant to me, and without hesitation I said, ‘it means letting go, and no longer holding onto the pain someone has caused you’. He looked at me and said ‘yes, that’s the definition of forgiveness; but is that what it means to you? I looked at him confused thinking, come on I know what forgiveness is. That’s what it is; it’s letting go.
Then all of a sudden it hit me. My goodness, nothing could have quite hit me so hard.
I instantly burst into tears and he just smiled at me and nodded as he knew I just had a breakthrough. I instantly realised that letting go is most definitely not what forgiveness meant to me. Forgiveness meant acceptance. Forgiveness meant weakness. It meant I am basically telling that person that I am now ok with what they did, and giving them the green light to do it again. It meant I have let go of the pain and no longer hurting over it. No wonder I found it so hard to forgive! I believed it was giving someone permission to actively hurt me again because I have told them they’re forgiven. Not on my watch kid. No way are you forgiven. What you did was wrong and I will never agree with it. You can get f**ked.
The coach, who was called Mario Lanzarotti, went on to explain to me that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for ourselves. The ‘letting go’ part, is of the toxic emotions that we torture ourselves with. All of those evenings when I couldn’t watch TV and I couldn’t focus; what was he doing? Was he torturing himself over his actions? Was he replaying it in his mind every day through shame? Was he questioning why he would do such a thing and making his own life a misery? WAS HE BALLS!
Or more eloquently put, no; he wasn’t.
He had completely let it go because there was nothing to let go of. He didn’t feel the hurt in the first place, therefore he had nothing to hang on to. Sure, he probably felt a bit bad, but not enough to stop hurting me. So why then, should I feel all of these feelings. Why should I literally suffer, each and every day.
Well the answer is I shouldn’t, so I decided to forgive and that’s exactly what I did. I just didn’t realise that the only person I truly needed to forgive was myself. I forgave myself for staying with someone who could do that to me. I forgave myself for basing my worth on his actions. I forgave myself for ignoring all the red flags. I forgave myself for putting my happiness into his hands. I forgave myself for allowing it to get so toxic. But most of all, I forgave myself for not knowing any better. It was not my fault that I believed I wasn’t good enough and it wasn’t my fault I attracted someone like my father.
The interesting thing is, if this was happening to my best friend I would’ve been disgusted and encouraged her to leave. So why then, didn’t I have the same level of disgust for myself? That’s because I saw their worth and valued them. I almost always valued myself less than others. Not consciously, but it was evident in my behaviour. I put everyone before myself and always had done my entire life. That’s what someone who feels unworthy does. They become people pleasers because they desperately don’t want to be disliked, and they can’t bear to cause anyone pain so they’ll do things at the expense of themselves, their comfort and their happiness. It all comes down to self-esteem and ultimately the standards we set ourselves. I never realised how low my standards were, and how I had practically zero boundaries. Let’s face it, there wasn’t really any consequences for his actions. Day 1: shouting, Day 2: silent treatment, Day 3: getting back to normal, Day 4: constant dread and anxiety that the weekend is approaching, and Day 7: repeat the same cycle. Not every weekend I might add, just the ones drink would be involved in. The exact same scenario my mum had with my dad. Coincidence?
Why exactly would he change when he could do what he wanted and have little to no real consequence. When I mention standards, I mean behaviour that I accept as a bare minimum. Now, I have a completely different set of standards and they could be referred to as high, but they’re based on my self-worth and what I will tolerate due to the level of respect I now have for myself.
To round this up, I don’t believe it was ever his intention to break me; but it shouldn’t have ever been his responsibility to make me either. Why did I focus so heavily on his love as the defining factor for my worth? It is so sad really, and so many of us do it. Allowing someone to be the only source of your happiness is so unhealthy and I had no idea until I stepped away from that.
Forgiveness allowed me to realise so much and allowed me to let so much pain go. It made me delve into my childhood and realise that so many of my experiences moulded me to grow up to seek out relationships that would make me feel unworthy. But once I had forgiven myself, and I understood that my upbringing was responsible, it made me look at every single person individually. I see people as that same child that I was, that must have been subjected to something that gave them issues too, otherwise they wouldn’t be creating hurtful scenarios for themselves inflicting pain on others, or allowing others to inflict pain unto them.
So I forgave him, and I forgave her, because in my eyes, whole people do not betray others. They do not engage in activities that they know would crush another person. I honestly now believe that most people don’t seek out situations with the intent to hurt, it is more than likely that they aren’t thinking about you at all. A lot of people are actually quite self-absorbed and it is not that they want to hurt others, it’s that they’re making themselves feel better. But understanding took a lot of pain away from me. I understood that there is a reason I attracted him, and there is a reason that they attracted each other, and that there is an inner internal working model, that is controlled by our subconscious, and has so much responsibility for what we do. This doesn’t mean to say someone now has a scapegoat with their subconscious, it just means that there is something underlying going on and most people aren’t inherently bad.
So now, I look back with forgiveness. I have learnt to love myself and rely on myself completely. I am the source of my own happiness. If someone cheated on me now it would not make me question my worth. All it would do would make me wonder why I attracted it again, and I would wish them healing and feel sorry for them that they’re not blessed to have me in their life anymore. LOL. I actually mean that though. I am completely content with who I am as a person. I have done wrong to others too and it was never out of a nasty place, it was just inner demons at work. Therefore I see everyone who hurts, as someone who is hurt, and who needs healing. I just no longer allow myself to be the punching bag.
I hope that you can look back on someone who has hurt you and done wrong by you, and you can choose to no longer suffer over what they did to you. The saying ‘holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’ is the most powerful statement to evaluate forgiveness. Forgiveness puts the poison down. It doesn’t mean you are now ok with it. It doesn’t mean you accept it. It just means you’re not going to drink it anymore. It is for you, not them; so please, please, learn to forgive.
Lots of love,
Heidi x x x
