For someone who is such an open book and feels comfort in sharing, it has been a difficult few months for me recently.
On November 11th 2020, one of my worst nightmares came true. Something that you hear about in the news, see on a Netflix documentary, but never ever expect to experience yourself.
Currently, this is something I am unable to publicly discuss in detail, and until it has been dealt with appropriately by the police, I will not be able to open up about it; however, I will when I can.
I know some people might wonder why I feel the need to share all of my experiences, but I am a great believer in that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. I ignored my gut instincts and that is something I will never do again.
All I can discuss about what happened to me though, is what happened afterwards; which was complete confusion and shut down. It is my nature to want to help people, which is why I went to University to study Counselling. I never went into that as a career as I disliked not being able to give my opinion (shock), but I adored what I learnt as I was able to apply it to my own life; and always went above and beyond to help others in theirs. Random people on Instagram would tell me their life stories and I would spend hours listening and coaching them as best I could. It made me feel good; a sense of purpose perhaps. So you can understand my confusion when I just didn’t want to help people anymore. I didn’t feel like I could give my energy out.
The only way that I could disconnect from my experience was to tune into my spirituality views, in that everything happens for a reason and we choose this life before we come here. I told myself I must have chosen this experience because I was strong enough to handle it. However, I then decided that if we come here to learn lessons, then I will leave people to learn theirs and that’s that. Keep me out of it.
I have never felt so disconnected and this was something I found really hard to deal with. My line of work is connecting with my audience, sharing my experiences etc, and I just couldn’t bring myself to put myself back out there. This feeling in itself was upsetting, as it goes against my nature and everything I stand for. I was in a state of cognitive dissonance and I couldn’t figure a way out of it.
About a month of feeling this way, I spoke to a lovely person, who is actually a therapist I found via Instagram, called Stephanie. I told her what had happened to me and that I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to help people anymore, and she stated that it was because it’s impossible to pour from an empty cup. Something so simple as one sentence, slot everything into place for me. I realised I was so drained and running on empty, that when people expected things from me, or just needed me to be present, I just couldn’t be. So I took time out. I had time off from my phone. I unplugged and disconnected from everything outside of me, and tuned straight back into myself, trying to dissect my thoughts; those that were helpful from those that were harmful.
Since the original traumatic event, I then had two other instances that happened that set me back further, sent my anxiety soaring, and made me really start to analyse my stress responses, my life experiences and why I have attracted them. I kept trying to show up on my Instagram and for my team, but this was always so sporadic, which then made me want to be a recluse as I couldn’t consistently show up. I just felt a complete sense of shame. This is a secondary emotion to toxic positivity, which is something I will do a completely separate blog post on. But in a nut shell, I really wasn’t in a good place.
Throughout all of this though, I have spent hours on the phone to Esther, who is the woman I had RTT therapy with (which completely changed my life and healed my father wound- yet another post for a later date) who is now my wonderful friend and is incredibly invaluable to me. I will forever be in debt to her for how she has been my rock in my hardest times.
Side note: Est, I love you.
When everything comes to light it will all make much more sense, but in February 2021, I moved into my home with Evaila, and I feel safe again. My partner Sam was committed to helping me make a house a home and went above and beyond to ensure I realised my own strength. I will love and value him for eternity for how I have grown, and continue to grow since knowing him. Separate vlog on this to come I am sure haha.
Right now, my heart and my soul feels peace in our new environment. It has taken me three months to fully feel like I can get my life back together again, refocus on my business and align with my goals. I have started showing up more, and not giving myself a hammering if I have a day to myself. Piece by piece I am putting myself back together. I am proud of myself for pulling myself up when so many experiences could have kept me down. I am proud that I understood that I needed time to fill up my cup again, and didn’t give in to my anxieties and intrusive thoughts that were very strong throughout.
I am so emotional when I read this back because it reminds me of the journey I have been on and how far I have come in such a short space of time. It makes me realise that my heart remains in tact, but actually grows bigger each day; with every experience I share and every person who connects with me when I do so.
I will do a vlog to explain the full story when I can, but the main thing I want to get across, is that it is ok to have time out for yourself. Show up for YOURSELF, not because you feel you have to, and do it when you are ready. Oh, and talk to people about what you’re going through. Keeping it all is no good for you.
You don’t need to figure out how it is going to get better, you just need to know that it will, and focus on getting through each day.
Lots of love,
Heidi x x x
